I was pregnant with my first child at the age of 36. I always knew I wanted to have children, in fact in my late teens I thought that 4 would be a good number. I have 7 siblings, I am the second oldest and the oldest daughter. Children were around our house. I love my siblings dearly, but having so many of them also put me off for having my own children until later. At some point I became a bit upset with my parents for “another one being born” and “another one”. Where was space for me? “Me” time with my parents?”. Interestingly enough I got together with someone who already had 3 boys. Not small ones but 23, 20 and 18 at time when our son was born. This way, even though I wasn’t mother for them, I am a part of a big family. Coming back to my own children … the moment my eldest was born I felt such a strong love and bond. My partner was always impressed of me being so natural and relaxed with our newborns. I only wished for natural birth, but ended up having an emergency c- section with the first and then planned c- session with my girl (she was in bridge). But then I am grateful that they were born healthy. My children teach me a lot. They behaviour can be a challenge for me on daily basis, but is also my biggest joy.
My mother is a strong , loving and generous person. She had 8 children and became a widow at the age of 49 (my dad died in a car accident) still having 4 children too look after at home. She rarely complains. But also does not express her feelings or her love to her children verbally. She wasn’t taught this herself. But I know she loves me dearly and she expresses her love in many other ways. In contrast I cannot resist expressing my love to my little children throughout the day. It just flows through me. And they say it to me too. I also want to make sure they will express their feelings and emotions easily. I know my mum has been proud of me and even adoring of me at the times, I just wish she was more supportive and positive in her words. I would love to have heard more encouragement as a child so it would have balanced the criticism. But this I accept. It belongs to the past. My sadness is that she lives in Poland and I am in England and so we don’t see each other often enough. The lockdown made it even more difficult and it has shown how important it is to value family relations.
Your Mother, You, Your Children
Am I similar to my mother? I see in me some things I see in my mother. Some positive and some that I would like to work on. I feel like the last few years, since having my own children, I started to overcome what was casting the shadow on my person… that I am not good enough … I know I took it energetically from my mother. Even though I see her as a strong person . It creates such an importance in me to tell my children that they are doing well and that I am proud of them. I still find myself in situations when I criticise them and then I think “ how can I be so mean to them?”, “back off”, “ chill out”… this is still something to work on. Also I know my mother wanted to give us more then she could , I didn’t take part in workshops and extra lessons after school… but what’s important is that she taught me in her ways of what morality is and how to be a good human being. To help others. And how to knit, sew and fix my own socks. How to be enterprising if needed. I wish we could live closer to each other. My children saw her last summer after 2 years because of lockdown and they had to learn to know her. They bonded. They call her “ babcia “which is grandmother in polish.