My experience of becoming a mother has completely and utterly changed my life. I struggled for so many years with severe depression, suicidal thoughts and feelings and self -destructive behaviour. I had many years of abuse from my mother and various relationships and I experienced numerous sexual assaults whilst under the influence and vulnerable. Having my daughter has grounded me, given me a reason to live and brought real love into my life. If I hadn’t of had her when I did, I truly wonder if I would be here today, In all honesty I don’t have the words to express my gratitude for her. She came into my world in a whirl of the dysfunction and emotional pain I was living in. At 36 years old I had nothing, a world of broken abusive relationships, unstable work, no money, very little family connection. I had always desperately wanted a baby, but time was ticking away, and the stability and means to have one seemed a million miles away. I had sought comfort once again in my abusive ex, who was living with his partner and in a nutshell he agreed to give me a child, we tried a couple of times and I fell pregnant. The ‘relationship’ with my lover broke down when I was pregnant, (as you can imagine there was a lot of fall out once is his partner found out) I was on my own with her, I grew depressed during pregnancy, and I struggled with being on my own. I had very little support where I was living in Manchester and made a decision to move back to Bristol where I knew I had some very loving and supportive friends who had been there for me for many years. I am so glad I did I feel have foundation of care and love here from some very special people. The experience of loving a little person unconditionally is the best thing I have in my life, I have struggled so much at times with doing mostly it all my own, I have struggled with her demands, the relentlessness, managing my moods and hers, but I have always sort the advice and help I need so I can work to break the patterns from my past, and try and be the best mum I can be. she makes me laugh every day and I cherish the love I feel for her. My daughter is 4 now; she is amazing, strong, confident, witty, clever, so alive and truly beautiful, I feel so proud of her… sometimes proud of us both!
Your Mother
It’s hard to write about this just now, but it also feels important to. I have just broke contact with my mother again. She was emotionally and psychologically abusive and neglected my emotional needs almost completely as a child and she has continued to abuse and control me as an adult. She is a nurse and she would always seem to show care if I was physically ill but was not there for me emotionally. Of course she showed times of warmth and care, but it is overshadowed by her abuse. I believe now that she has narcissistic personality disorder, this is quite a new revelation for me. I experienced sexual abuse in my teens, but she has never shown empathy, care or compassion, much of it was ignored or I was blamed for it. The relationship got much worse in my teens, I was very passive and obedient as small child, but started to have problems in my teenage years. She was a single parent desperate for a partner, often suicidal and I was her confidant that at the same time got in the way of what she wanted, as I was starting to show signs of distress that I think that was pretty inconvenient for her. She used me to prop her up, to meet her needs. She doesn’t understand unconditional love or that as a parent you are there to meet your child’s needs and not the other way around. I’m determined that my daughter will never feel the way I did… No one has ever made me feel as worthless as my own mother. She taught me to hate myself. I am teaching my child to love and cherish herself; I wing it a lot as I have no compass… Its raw right now… but I’m committed to keep trying to heal and grow and accept the best I can…my mothering of my daughter and the need to be so much more than her for the sake of my daughter is vital to my healing…
Your Mother, You, Your Children
It seemed so much better to start with when I had my baby, I was glad I got back in contact with her, she had started to relate to me as individual, as a mother, as a person. At times showing a kindness and respect and had not previously experienced from her. She showed warmth and care towards my little girl, I think I thought things had really changed. It didn’t last and the closer I got to her again the more the old behaviour started. My daughter was a very challenging 3 yr old. I leant on my mother, sometimes in tears on the phone after struggling with tantrums. My mum’s started to patholgise her, kept suggesting there maybe something wrong her and that she may need a psychologist. It all got very painful and I pulled right back from her as I know deep down and through all the people who know my daughter that there was nothing wrong with my little girl other than being a strong minded, stubborn feisty 3 yr old. Many of my own memories have flooded back and also how she treated my Brother. Since breaking contact I have said that I very much want her and her husband to have a relationship with my daughter. But this time it’s on my terms. I have asked that she only sees my daughter when her husband is also present. I know it’s harsh but I don’t trust her. I am hoping in time I will relax more and feel less nervous about the way she may be/could be with my daughter, because initially it warmed my heart to see her love for my little girl and I felt that maybe even on a subconscious level she was making up for things by being a loving granny. But for now it has to be like this for me to comfortable and safe and to feel I am protecting my daughter…
